Watching our beloved Indian team play on Saturday brought back a few memories.
Remember Durban, 1996?100 all out in the first innings. 66 in the second. Oh, we were an inexperienced batting line-up in alien conditions. Did you see that ball from Donald to Sachin? (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TyaqXf2_l9k). Totally ridiculous!
And what about Barbados, 1997? 81 all out chasing 121. Come on man, super dodgy fifth day wicket! (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2XkxHvXE2fY)
As Indian fans, we’re great with coming up with reasons for our inexplicable results.
Which bring us to 9 August 2014, Manchester. 152 all out in the first innings. 161 all out in the second innings. Each Indian innings was shorter than the average Karan Johar movie. As a rational (?) Indian supporter, I’m struggling to justify why we lost. But maybe our superstars can explain things better (starting at the top):
1. M Vijay: “So, you know, I am called Monk. Definitely, I was not out. So what if Hawkeye said it was hitting? There is no DRS in this series. Also, I got runs in the first two tests so this is not on me. Definitely.”
2. Gautam Gambhir: “To tell you the truth, I just miss batting with my buddy Viru. No one really noticed anything I did when he was around.”
3. Cheteshwar Pujara : “Hawkeye said it was missing. We should introduce the Decision Review system immediately. I will definitely be taking this up with the
4. Virat Kohli: “That !@£$%^, Jimmy A., was NOT supposed to be playing this game. Those out-swingers on off stump would have dismissed the best batsman in the world. By logical corollary, I AM the best batsman in the world.”
5. Ajinkya Rahane: “Moeen Ali is a part-timer. I am on the Lords Honours board. Sachin is not. Shit happens.”
6. MS Dhoni : “Well, you know, of course there was a hurricane coming and the paying public was definitely going to lose out on two days of cricket. Also, we had to attack their spinners. I said so myself in the last press conference. So, of course, I decided to kill two birds with one stone. It really was the perfect storm.”
7. Ravindra Jadeja : “Personally, it was a great test match for me. It all started with me getting Jimmy out LBW. Then I danced down the wicket and smashed him for a four. Win with the ball, win with the bat. Quickly nicked one to slip before Jimmy came back. Quit while you’re ahead. And if you ask me, Moeen’s a nice guy but he’s not really test standard.”
8. Ravichandran Ashwin: “Didn’t get a wicket but averaged 87 with the bat. Skip says I might open the batting next game.”
9. Bhuvaneshwar Kumar : “I’ve done all the bowling and most of the batting in this series. To be honest, I’m bloody tired. Nicked one to slip but that fellow Jordan had over-stepped and the umps called me back. A run-out seemed to be the only way to put the issue beyond doubt. Why else would I try to run two while saving a test match?”
10. Varun Aaron: “I blame myself for this loss. I really think our batsman would have focussed more if Stuart was bowling. He took six in the first innings so we may have even been terrified enough of him to try and defend out the post-tea session. Get well soon Broadie, hope you return for the Oval game.”
11. Pankaj Singh : “Not really my job to bat guys, I’m here to take wickets!”
Sorry tale or not, the final test match in this series begins on Friday. England lead 2-1. I am at the Oval for Days 1 and 3!
Onwards and upwards!